Winning an argument can cost you a relationship

The worst time to decide how you’re going to handle a difficult conversation is when you’re already in the middle of it.

We’ve all been there. Someone challenges us in a meeting, a family member makes a hurtful remark or a colleague questions our judgment. Suddenly, the conversation takes a turn we weren’t expecting. Our emotions rise, our thinking becomes less clear and we say something we later wish we hadn’t. Or perhaps we say nothing at all, only to spend the next several hours replaying the conversation and thinking of all the things we should have said.

Most of us approach difficult conversations by preparing our arguments. We think about what we want to say, organize our thoughts and anticipate objections. We want to make our point clearly, defend our position and, if possible, persuade the other person to see things our way.

There’s nothing wrong with being prepared. But we’re often preparing for the wrong thing. We rehearse the conversation we hope to have, not necessarily the one we’re going to have. What we rarely prepare for is the moment someone says something that makes us angry, embarrassed or defensive. And when that happens, all those carefully rehearsed arguments can become surprisingly difficult to remember, let alone deliver calmly. Knowing what to say is one thing. Staying calm enough to listen when someone says something we don’t want to hear is quite another.

Think about the last disagreement that left you frustrated or upset. Perhaps someone questioned your judgment, dismissed your concerns or interrupted you before you could finish explaining yourself. Whatever happened, something triggered an emotional response, and the conversation changed.

But that experience can teach you something. What actually upset you? Was it criticism, being interrupted or the feeling that you weren’t being heard? And does the same thing tend to happen when someone pushes those buttons?

Once you know what tends to upset you, decide how you’ll respond if it happens again. Don’t wait until you’re angry to make that decision. When we feel criticized, embarrassed or threatened, our heart rate may increase, our muscles tense and our attention narrow. Under pressure, listening carefully and choosing our words can become more difficult.

Suppose you’re about to discuss a workplace problem with a colleague who frequently interrupts you. You could spend the entire morning rehearsing your argument, making sure every point is clear and every objection has an answer.

But what happens when that colleague interrupts you again?

If you haven’t prepared for your frustration, all that planning may disappear the moment you feel disrespected. You might raise your voice, make a personal remark or abandon the discussion. Instead of resolving the workplace problem, you’ve created another one.

What if you paused, let your colleague finish and calmly asked for an opportunity to complete your thought? You can’t control whether your colleague interrupts you. But you can decide how you’re going to respond.

Many of us also enter difficult conversations believing that success means persuading the other person to agree with us. We prepare to defend our position, challenge their objections and demonstrate why we’re right.

But a conversation isn’t a contest, and treating it like one can defeat the very purpose of having it.

When you’re determined to win, disagreement begins to feel like resistance that must be overcome. You become more interested in finding weaknesses in the other person’s argument than understanding why they see things differently. They may respond by becoming just as defensive. Before long, neither person is really listening. Both are preparing their next response.

You might win a particular point and still lose something far more important. A disagreement with your spouse can damage trust. An angry exchange with a colleague can undermine a working relationship. A conversation intended to solve a problem can leave both people less willing to work together.

Standing your ground doesn’t require winning every argument. Sometimes the real success is making your point without damaging the relationship or allowing your emotions to take over. If you’re not sure what the other person means, ask them to explain before responding. You may discover that what you thought was criticism was actually a concern you hadn’t considered.

So what happens the next time someone challenges you? Will you immediately defend yourself, or can you give yourself a moment to think before answering? Slowing your breathing can help reduce tension and give you time to consider whether what you’re about to say will help or hurt the conversation.

You don’t need a long pause. Sometimes simply saying, “Give me a moment to think about that,” gives you an opportunity to choose your words rather than react automatically.

None of these techniques guarantees a successful outcome. The other person may remain unreasonable, refuse to listen or become increasingly confrontational. Sometimes the most constructive response is to end the discussion and return to it later.

Like any skill, managing your reactions takes practice. Pay attention to what happens when someone disagrees with you. Are you becoming defensive? Are you listening carefully, or have you already decided what you’re going to say next?

You won’t always get it right. None of us does. But each difficult conversation can teach you something about how you respond under pressure and what you might do differently next time.

So before your next difficult conversation, think about what you want to say and what you hope to accomplish. But spend just as much time considering what might upset you and how you’ll respond when it happens. The outcome of a difficult conversation may depend less on how well you’ve prepared your argument than on how well you’ve prepared yourself.

Faith Wood is a professional speaker, author, and certified professional behaviour analyst. Before her career in speaking and writing, she served in law enforcement, which gave her a unique perspective on human behaviour and motivations. Faith is also known for her work as a novelist, with a focus on thrillers and suspense. Her background in law enforcement and understanding of human behaviour often play a significant role in her writing.